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If you truely LOVE something, you let it go...

Now this blog is very personal to me and my past. You may have mixed emotions once you have read it, you may think you would’ve done something differently or maybe you can empathise. Whichever this is me laid bare and why I am, the way that I am.

Today is Saturday 16th May 2020. Take me back 4 years and this was the worst day of my life.

Henry Arthur John (AJ) was born premature (27weeks) weighing 2lb 5oz on the 14th May 2016. All my children have been premmies so this (sadly) was the normal for me. He fought to be with us but sadly deteriorated within the next 48hours. We had to be transferred hospitals separately as he was delivered by c-section and my husband followed the ambulance that AJ was in. I was about an hour behind as had to have drains removed before I could be transferred. The hour I spent waiting, in a private room on a hospital bed, on my own, knowing that my little boy was fighting for his life, was the first thing (although I didn’t realise until later) that would change me. I begged God not to let my little boy die and that I’d be a devout Christian and start regularly coming to church and praying every night. Since that day I have never believed or turned to religion, God or Jesus.

When I finally got reunited at the new neonatal unit with my husband and AJ, my heart sank to see how poorly my little boy looked. We were informed that my little AJ had a massive bleed to his brain, the bleeding was that severe that it had already caused brain damage and that he was on strong painkillers to ease the pain. Through hearing this, I looked at my husband and knew exactly what he was thinking... I said ‘do not make our little boy suffer’, the space in between this is a blur but a private room was made ready for me, my husband and AJ. I held him, kissed him, told him all about his sisters and that I loved him so very much. I sang ‘twinkle, twinkle, little star’ a song I have sung to all my children while they were tiny (don’t think that this is a hidden talent, I assure you this is not haha) my husband had his chance to say goodbye too. It was like I was watching a mirror of my emotions and pain, which I would not wish on my worst enemy. Then the time to switch off all the machines... and off to the twinkle stars AJ went.

I accept now that life can be very cruel and that everything doesn’t happen for a reason. I’m okay with that as that’s life, we all go on even though we may not want to at the time! Sometimes you are lucky in life to not have cruel things happen and sometimes you are unlucky, where life likes to regularly shit on your cornflakes.

My side of the family are Christians and believe in God and Jesus (and all that goes with), personally I was a lazy Christian and would pick and choose when I wanted to go to church and/or pray.All my family are christened, all my children are christened. Henry was Christened just before he was transferred, a decision I do not regret as if life does prove me wrong then hopefully we will all be reunited in the same place.

4 years ago changed who I am today and the way I see life. Life is a time to make mistakes, cry, laugh and you know what do whatever it may be that makes you happy. The time we have is short, appreciate every moment.

The purpose of this post is to be open with you all. You don’t know what has or even is happening in someone else’s life. Try to be kind as darkness can follow us all. Starting AJ Activewear has helped me massively as i'm doing something in my boys memory. Embrace darkness as it enables you to see the STARS!



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